:)

I am so happy!

(And all better now.)

Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Day 3

Or day 4? I'm not sure. Days do have a habit of running together during holidays, especially when one is sick...

The fever's all gone, finally. I'm more listless than ennervated, and tomorrow I get to see my boyfriend again (:

On a completely unrelated note:

Ennervated

I've always wanted to use that word... but it always seemed too dramatic. Now I can, because that pretty much describes how I feel. I've napped some today, and eaten a little more. We'll see about dinner.

Sickness

Ech. The morning of the 24th, I wake up at 5 and spend the next five and a half hours mostly in the bathroom completely nauseous. At least that eventually ended. Now I just have a fever and chills and weakness from not really eating, but I can hold down water and I got a mango popsicle which was really nice. It did kind of ruin my Christmas, though...

And So.

Visiting my old high school today brought such mixed feelings... it was nice to see some of my friends and old teachers again, and yet, walking through the hallways, lost in a crowd of people, waving to old classmates who didn't see me, people I knew once who didn't acknowlege me... painful? Maybe. I can't describe it. And in those moments what I wanted most was to have my boyfriend by my side so I could flip off the world...

Memories or Still Truths?

The monologue I wrote last year for Creative Writing:

Why do I even bother sometimes? It’s like, when I speak, I don’t even exist. I could just say anything, and people would look right past me with that same blank stare, expressionless, and continue whatever they were doing. I’m ridiculously gratified when someone looks at me, listens, answers, laughs at a joke—an actual conversation, with someone else! In the hallways, too, I am not acknowledged, I am invisible, just something to move around (or sometimes not even that). Are they all so self-absorbed? It makes me want to curse, scream “Fuck!” but I’m a nice girl and I don’t use words like that, of course. Wouldn’t it be shocking? Or would no one hear me? Would they just carry on, as usual, ignoring the girl standing in the middle of the hallway, screaming, “I’m so fucking alone!” The Christian kids from the church I used to attend, they’re so nice, they don’t even recognize me at school, not like they ever did. I simply don’t exist; I’m faceless, voiceless, lost. Oh, and the reason I left that church? I didn’t belong. I don’t belong in this school; I don’t belong anywhere, neither earth nor heaven nor hell. Maybe I belong among the stars, a comet, always moving until someday I crash into a planet, becoming stardust and rock, forgotten, crash into oblivion.

If anyone wanted to know how I felt through my high school years...

Hallway

I visited my high school today, along with many other alumni. The memories it brings back...

The people pass by me, in clusters or alone, talking or silent. A boy stumbles, but no one notices; they’re too busy trying to push through the moving mass of people. The sea of faces hides all single identity. I wonder if anyone’s as lonely as me; surrounded by people, but unseen. I move through them, walking quickly, blank faced, and catch only disjointed bits of conversations: “She works there? Why don’t you?” “…yeah, he said…” My binder is in my arms; Atlas Shrugged is digging uncomfortably into my chest—if I don’t hold my books tightly, they will slide off. The level of noise rises as more people flood the hallways, becoming indistinct, and I tune it out and move to my next class.

Here

"Here I am
In winter's arms
Wishing they were yours..."

Perhaps it is irrational of me to miss people, and perhaps it is not. Nevertheless, I do...

I Am

I am upset.

And no one cares.

Goodnight.

Newsy Things

Bruise update: Going down nicely; plus it's getting kind of boring to keep going on about it all the time so I will stop.

I went bowling with my boyfriend and some of his friends last night. I also met his parents and saw some baby pictures. At least he hasn't seen any embarassing pictures of me yet...

My dad's visit is going well, the cats are mostly behaving, and I have been doing a lot of reading (although I had to put the 11th WoT book on hold because someone has it checked out until Jan. 6th or so). I feel kind of mean putting Knife of Dreams on hold because that means they won't be able to renew it if they don't finish it. But on the other hand, that's their own fault ;)

Hmm. Ok, maybe I didn't have that much news after all. I have to get around to calling some friends now that I'm back in the area and so on, but for now I must run a book up to the library that I suggested to the librarian. She hasn't read it, so I'm lending my copy to her.

Final grades are posted on Friday!!!

A Poem I Found

Mad Girl's Love Song
by Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

A Few Things

Home is nice. Went on a few brief errands today.

Bruise update: reddish in the center of purple ringed by more of a greenish yellow.

Home

At last, finals are over and I am home! The cats were much less surprised to see me this time-- I think they've gotten used to me being gone for a while and then coming back. Later this afternoon my mom and I drive into Philly to pick my dad up from the airport. Two weeks should be interesting, but then we made it through my graduation week all right.

My parents have been separated for 4 or 5 years now. I won't officially be a child of a broken home until January, probably. Things were bad for a while, and then my mom was just to busy to start the divorce process. Now she has. I'm not bitter really. They get along fine, for the most part.

In other news I had brief conversations with some people I haven't talked with (or seen) in a while. Now I just have to work on forgiving Steve. I'm not sure if he knows I've been mad at him or not.

Bruise status: still a lump, very purple/blue surrounded by yellow. Thanks a lot, Seth... but I can't complain-- my first fencing injury! Never mind that it was completely off-target...

Western Wind

Western Wind
Anonymous

Western Wind, when will thou blow,
The small rain down can rain?
Christ, if my love were in my arms
And I in bed again!

Finals Week

I don't like finals week :(

Rock On

Yep, that's my hand...

LI

Somehow I find this so calming... it hangs over my desk (and is not quite so yellow tinted).

Finals

One down, two more, an essay, and a paper to go...

Porcupines

Flashback style, I have to put my porcupine in the bathtub, because the watermelons are too small. Sadly the lemons do not stick but the honey will have great effect on the bees, they say, that songs are humming. Suddenly my mind is become confused, small moon flowers in the sun…

Books

"Well, I guess books are just sexy"

--Chris

That says it all. Today at lunch we had an interesting (and brief) conversation about "tight bindings." I didn't start it either, I swear!

Chorale Concert

Wheeee! The concert went well although now I am tired. I didn't find my boyfriend in the audience until they turned the lights on for the audience sing-along carols, and there he was with his arms crossed, sort of glowering ;) I had to try very had not to laugh. After that I met him and a friend and my mom in the lobby and we went to the little "holiday tea" and then our friend went back to study and work and we drove back to the other side of campus and went to dinner together.

Rammstein

How long is listening to Rammstein going to make me start crying?

Weekend

I feel better today. Friday evening some friends came over and we finally finished watching 'The Tenth Kingdom' and great fun ensued.

Today I have a three hour Chorale rehearsal, and then (shameless plug) our concert (with the U Choir as well) starts at 2pm on Sunday afternoon!

It's going to be a busy weekend. Somehow I don't think I'll have much time to study.

Goodbye...

"Am I
To bid you farewell?"

I saw a friend at breakfast today who I haven't seen in a long time. He is going to be leaving at the end of this semester, and I was so afraid that I would never get to see him again... Fate can be kind after all. I got to give him the snowflake I'd made for him after all, and he said, "Thank you for everything" and gave me a hug and I wished him luck.

Goodbyes suck, but at least I got to say one.

Snow!

Snow!

(:

We get a delayed opening, at least... too bad it doesn't affect me because I start classes at 11!

Letting Go

"Give me a draught of the river Lethe-- nay, even a sip will do!"

Finals week is next week. Maybe that will work just as well.

Things

It has been my experience that people speak the truth when they're mad, or at least tired/bitchy like I was last night... not even the truth, but at least what's been festering for a while (for lack of a better word). So what do I do when I'm in that mood but pick a fight? Maybe it's kind of stupid, I don't know, but sometimes it helps... and sometimes it does not.

Sleeping Beauty

... and they looked down on her as she lay on the floor, and sighed and smiled. 'A happy ending,' they murmured, dispersing--- leaving behind her broken body, lifeless, lying still on the floor. A happy ending.

People see what they want to see.

The Snapper

Well, I just got back from The Snapper offices again. (That's the Uni newspaper). Next semester I'll be helping out with photo selection and editing! It's going to be fun and I'll have two people sort of watching over me until I'm confident. Tonight I just watched one of them working again, and listened to the office conversation. It's crazy, and cozy in a twisted kind of way... I love it.

Lyrics

A friend of mine asked me a few days ago if I had any names for his new band, and I suggested 'Manual Restart' with a rather dark meaning in mind. He then suggested I write lyrics for a song with the same title. I said I had no ideas, but then inspiration struck and I just started writing... it's a fecking depressing song, and after a third verse I decided I had to stop because I was, really, starting to scare myself a little. Apparently, this is what happens when I actually write lyrics, folks...

Things That Make Me Happy

- Jason
- Spending time with Jason
- Thinking about Jason
- My friends and family (many)
- My cats (Jasmine, Pooka, Bink, and Streak)
- Snow outside
- Hot tea
- Metal
- Music in general
- Books
- Writing
- Pretty drawings
- Comics
- Sunrises and sunsets
- Clouds
- The moon
- Squirrels
- Leaves
- Flowers
- Hawks
- Wind
- My breath in the cold air
- The smell of wet pavement/cement when it just starts to rain

That's all I can think of for now. Mostly it's the little things that make me happy... it's just that they are the hardest to hold onto.

The Universe

"A man said to the universe:
'Sir, I exist!'
'However,' replied the universe,
'The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation.'"

--From 'War is Kind' by Stephen Crane

Monday

Monday already. This is the last week before finals begin. I have a feeling it's going to be a long week...

Here's another question I can't answer: is a friend of mine actually just really busy or is he also purposefully avoiding me? I mean, I'm sorry, I didn't realize having a boyfriend meant that I suddenly couldn't hang out with anyone else... (that is sarcasm for those of you who can't tell.)

"What about you over there?
Don't you think I care?
Well I know you know I know you know I know..."

Evening Ramblings

Perhaps irrationally, I fear ridicule. To some extent a little, like being laughed at for inappropriate stroking of the carpet (we were playing Mao. Need I say more?) is ok although if it's late at night it'll definitely get me a little grumpy. But to fear ridicule from a person who is closer to me than anyone has ever been before? Is that why I can't express myself easily? I haven't really figured out a balance between 'self' and 'self with other' yet... this is all still relatively new to me. I am a serious person, or at least sensitive, and I know it.

Speaking of relationships, I have been thinking about something else as well. A while back, someone else said, although not directly, that he was interested in me. All I could say was "I don't know..." I realized later that what I meant was "My mind is on someone else... it never has been on you... and although I hold no hope for my happiness with him I cannot settle, I cannot lie." It's been about a month now since things worked out the way I wanted them too, and he has found someone else. The strange thing is, he knew her before he knew me. Isn't loneliness a strange thing? I don't think that he ever liked me the same way he likes her. I guess this is sort of a response to what I read in his xanga a few days ago, going back into the archives. If one small thing had gone differently, where would I be today? It can drive me crazy to think "what if..." and yet, I do anyway.

I don't know why I was mulling over that. Some things just have to get worked out, one way or another, you know? Not that I have really worked anything out.

Only: I am happy. I want to be happy. I am not alone... and that is powerful.

Cold

A picture of a not-too-happy Streak out in the snow two years ago.

The first real snowfall of this year was last night!

Summer is Gone
9^th century, translated from the Irish.

I have but one story—
The stags are moaning,
The sky is snowing,
Summer is gone.

Quickly the low sun
Goes drifting down
Behind the rollers,
Lifting and long.

The wild geese cry
Down the storm;
The ferns have fallen,
Russet and torn.

The wings of the birds
Are clotted with ice.
I have but one story—
Summer is gone.

Winter Has Come
9^th century, translated from the Irish.

Winter has come with scarcity,
Lakes have flooded on all sides,
Frosts crumble the leaves,
The merry wave mutters.

Fortune (a micro-fiction)

The gypsy looked up at Rob.

“Ahhh…” she said. “You are going to die today. You will be hit by a car. I’m sorry.”

Rob stood up. “I want a refund!” he shouted. The woman shook her head.

“I may be wrong.”

Rob kept close to the side of the building as he walked home. No cars seemed ready to veer towards him, so he began to relax.

As he reached the door of his apartment, he turned to check the street for homicidal cars, and the window-box eight stories above him broke, dropping three heavy flowerpots on his head.

When help arrived, he was pronounced dead on the scene.

The next day the gypsy read about the freak accident in the newspaper and shrugged.

“No one said fortune-telling is an exact science.”

The Inexorable Villanelle

As fate wills, your time has come,
Along the ever-spinning wheel
The thread of life is spun.

And to the earth down falls the sun—
No light remains that darkness cannot steal.
As fate wills, your time has come.

Everything in life that you’ve won
Is for nothing—to death you must kneel
The thread of life is spun.

Cold air up your spine seems to run
A small chill, a shiver you feel
As fate wills, your time has come.

Your days on Earth are done
Time demands you break death’s seal
The thread of life is spun.

Life and death are one--
You pass through at the midnight bell’s peal
As fate wills, your time has come;
The thread of life is spun.

Shadows

"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

I can see only what my mirror shows me:
Brave knights riding out on a quest,
Joyful pennants unfurled in the spring wind;
Funeral processions in mournful dusk—
Then they quickly disappear
Into the mirror’s silver depths.

I can hear only what the warm wind carries:
Songs of celebration and sorrow
In the same warm sunlight that glints off my mirror;
Lover’s whispers on the night breeze—
Soon enough they fade as I sit
Captured in my web.

This is all I have.
The shadows rise before my eyes,
Made of nothing but fleeting memories of
All I have seen and heard,
And I want that which I can never have:
Anything but shadows.

Bah.

Today I got a 60 on a Critical Theory test for my Lit class. Since English is my major... not happy news.

Boredom

Hmm. I was bored tonight. Boredom does great things.