Evening Ramblings

Perhaps irrationally, I fear ridicule. To some extent a little, like being laughed at for inappropriate stroking of the carpet (we were playing Mao. Need I say more?) is ok although if it's late at night it'll definitely get me a little grumpy. But to fear ridicule from a person who is closer to me than anyone has ever been before? Is that why I can't express myself easily? I haven't really figured out a balance between 'self' and 'self with other' yet... this is all still relatively new to me. I am a serious person, or at least sensitive, and I know it.

Speaking of relationships, I have been thinking about something else as well. A while back, someone else said, although not directly, that he was interested in me. All I could say was "I don't know..." I realized later that what I meant was "My mind is on someone else... it never has been on you... and although I hold no hope for my happiness with him I cannot settle, I cannot lie." It's been about a month now since things worked out the way I wanted them too, and he has found someone else. The strange thing is, he knew her before he knew me. Isn't loneliness a strange thing? I don't think that he ever liked me the same way he likes her. I guess this is sort of a response to what I read in his xanga a few days ago, going back into the archives. If one small thing had gone differently, where would I be today? It can drive me crazy to think "what if..." and yet, I do anyway.

I don't know why I was mulling over that. Some things just have to get worked out, one way or another, you know? Not that I have really worked anything out.

Only: I am happy. I want to be happy. I am not alone... and that is powerful.